mandaloo

when i moved right before my senior year, i was really upset. but one thing that made it more bearable is that i became part of a really neat youth group. i had aways lived in small towns, where the words “youth group” were laughable.  i was lucky if it was “youth few.”  most of the times, i was the only latter-day saint in my school. and in some ways, it didn’t bother me because it gave me time and trials to have some powerful faith-building experiences.  there are tons of misconceptions about my faith and uninformed people seem to be more concentrated in small towns for some reason.  i was able to learn about the faith of those around me and had many opportunities to dispel stereotypes.

that being said, moving to a large city with a great youth group was a welcome change. one of my youth leaders really made an impact on me. right when she met our group, she had us all fill out a super long survey about ourselves. and she didn’t just file it away and never look at it again. i could tell from subsequent conversations that she had really taken time to get to know me. when it was my birthday, she would have a basket filled with my favorite things.  her lessons were always insightful and honest.  she was open about her life and past decisions.  she genuinely cared about each and every one of us.  i’ll never forget her or her impact.

this particular youth leader and i have stayed in close contact since we met seven years ago. she’s an amazing lady and i enjoy our friendship tremendously. today, after my 11-hour workday, i found a pleasant surprise in my mailbox… a fat envelope from my past youth leader. when i removed the papers, i immediately knew what it was – it was the survey i had filled out when i was 16 or so.  she included a note saying that she had found it in her paperwork and thought i would enjoy having it.

just for fun, i have decided to post it just because it’s neat to see how much i have (and haven’t) changed in the last seven years… (more…)

So long and so short at the same time
Memories claimed and burned by pride’s gaze
Emotions are faulty vehicles for a proper goodbye
And I’m left in awkward silence

So much to say but no reason to speak
Underneath the singe remember with a smile
We’ll have that place for you and I
In a land where pink rabbits dance 

Fade into experience pressed down by time
Just a step on the ladder of living
Wanted to be the book, a cherished volume
Now broken down into one sentence

If only you could see baby girl now
Not so far off from what was desired
Going, going, gone in violet sunset
All that is left to take is contained in cortex 

So much to say but no reason to speak
Underneath the singe remember with a smile
We’ll have that place for you and I
In a land where pink rabbits dance 

Youth is an excuse for cowards
I was never afraid until now
Claiming answers on the turnstile of the past
This ticket is getting folded and worn 

So much to say but no reason to speak
Underneath the singe remember with a smile
We’ll have that place for you and I
In a land where pink rabbits dance

this song is a favorite of someone that was a dear friend of mine.  the song has been in my head lately….

Blackbird

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

i so badly want my own thermostat in my cube.  for the last week and a half, i've been freezing.  i'm even wearing winter garb (long sleeves, etc.) today. 

i'm afraid to type any more for fear that my fingers might break off.

that is all.

The Brilliant Dance
Dashboard Confessional

So this is odd,
The painful realization
That has all gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all,
And nobody cares at all.So you buried
All your lover's clothes
And burned the letters lover wrote,
But it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
In the hall where you had your first Kiss
Reminds you that the memories will Fade.

so i have been working on a little project over the past few weeks.  while unpacking during my move, i found a collection of my writings, thoughts, etc. in boxes.  some date back to 1997 and i thought it would be fun to put some representative stuff together in one format and in one place.  so i made red cow.  it's nothing more than just a brief overview on the last nine years of my life, mainly circling around various relationships i've had.  they're not poems or even complete journal entries, but they're what i have to remember the past on. 

just reading all of this humbled me and i can truly say that i've had an amazing life so far.  filled with "movie moments" galore, smiles, tears, and all the stuff in between.  if anything, seeing the spectrum of my experiences have made me so hopeful and excited for the future years ahead.  enjoy.

when i was lying in bed this morning, this song was monopolizing my headspace from the first minute. i had heard the matt nathanson cover, so here it is…

Romeo and Juliet

A lovestruck Romeo sings the streets a serenade
Laying everybody low with a love song that he made
Finds a convenient streetlight steps out of the shade
Says something like "you and me babe, how about it?"

Juliet says "hey, it's Romeo, you nearly gave me a heart attack"
He's underneath the window she's singing "hey la my boyfriend's back
You shouldn't come around here singing up at people like that"
Anyway what you gonna do about it?

Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start
And I bet that you exploded into my heart
And I forget I forget the movie song
When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong?
Juliet

Come up on different streets, they both were streets of shame
Both dirty, both mean, yes and the dream was just the same
And I dreamed your dream for you and now your dream is real
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals?

When you can fall for chains of silver
You can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers
And the promises they hold
You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin, yeah
Now you just say "oh Romeo, yeah, you know I used to have a scene with him"

Juliet, when we made love you used to cry
You said "I love you like the stars above, I'll love you 'til I die"
There's a place for us you know the movie song
When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong?
Juliet

I can't do the talk, like the talk on the TV
And I can't do a love song, like the way it's meant to be
I can't do everything, but I'll do anything for you
I can't do anything except be in love with you

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be
All I do is keep the beat and the bad company
Now all I do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme
Juliet, I'd do the stars with you any time

Juliet, when we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above, I'll love you till I die
There's a place for us you know the movie song
When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong?
Juliet

A lovestruk Romeo sings the streets a serenade
Laying everybody low with a lovesong that he made
Finds a convinient streetlight, steps out of the shade
Says something like "you and me babe, how about it?"

"You and me babe, how about it?"

ever since someone pointed out the fact that there is an arrow between the "e" and the "x" of the fed ex logo, it is now the first and only thing i see when i glance at it. 

it was always there – i just wasn't looking at it that way.

i think that sometimes there are things in life that happen like that… after a certain event or someone randomly making an observation about a relationship or situation or anything, we can have these metaphorical "arrows" pop up… things that were always there but now openly glare at us every time we look at them. 

so i'm driving to work and exit off of the highway.  when i turn over the bridge, there are six young guys promoting a radio station by waving and holding signs…. wearing nothing but smiles and speedos. 

despite the fact that the scene got a chuckle out of me, it is clear that all speedos should be banned.